


Just Hold On || Larry Stylinson ||

by MukeSinner



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Abuse, AssholeLouis, BadBodyHarry, BrokenHome, DrugAddicts, EventualSmut, FragileHarry, M/M, MentalAbuse, MentionOfPastAbuse, PainAddcit, Schizophrenia, SunstanceAbuse, ThoughtsoutSuicide, harrystyles, innocentlouis, louistomlinson - Freeform, runaways - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8812522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MukeSinner/pseuds/MukeSinner
Summary: Harry Styles, the towns badass, runs away from all his past problems. Rather they be from drugs, fighting, or even something as simple as falling in love with the wrong person. He leaves it all behind him. But what happens when he returns months later and finds out the person he loved, isn't the same person anymore? His little Louis is now a grade a asshole who is spiraling down the same path Harry had went down. Will the curly haired lad let the person who still holds his heart, ruin his life, or will he help Louis overcome the addiction he has grown dependant on, even if it is just an addiction to feeling pain and inflicting pain unto others?(Full Summary will be posted with the first chapter)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The long, windy road stretched out in front of Harry, seemingly showing him that this wasn't all there was to his life. If he really wanted to, he could pack up and leave and go wherever the road would take him. But, even with the opportunity staring him right in the face, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. He wouldn't just be leaving behind the skeletons in his closet that he so desperately wanted to get rid of, but he would also be leaving the person that has become the center of his universe.
> 
> Dark claws reaching out from the dark that surrounded him, wrapped around his already shredded heart and began to pull it in different directions. Piece by piece he could feel as his chest became vacant, a bloody hole in the middle of his chest being the only proof that he ever had a heart. He knew where his friends were taking his tattered heart to, he didn't need to even think about it. Because they were only returning the shredded thing to the person it truthfully belonged to. The person who was sitting at home, a goodbye letter between his legs as he sobbed over losing his best mate.
> 
> And even though the claws began to scratch away at his insides, he did what any insane person would do, and he slammed his foot down on the gas petal. The tires squealed against the wet asphalt, then the car lurched forward and Harry began down the road that would lead him to his destination, wherever that may be. The iron chains that have hung heavily on his shoulders began to loosen, until they were finally flying away from his body and clattering to the asphalt.
> 
> The weight was finally gone. His monsters were running back into their cages inside his mind and his skeletons were burning in the field by his old home.
> 
> And, just like that, the Harry that everybody knew, was gone.
> 
> He just disappeared in the wind.
> 
> Or
> 
> Harry Styles, the towns badass, runs away from all his past problems. Rather they be from drugs, fighting, or even something as simple as falling in love with the wrong person. He leaves it all behind him. But what happens when he returns months later and finds out the person he loved, isn't the same person anymore? His little Louis is now a grade a asshole who is spiraling down the same path Harry had went down. Will the curly haired lad let the person who still holds his heart, ruin his life, or will he help Louis overcome the addiction he has grown dependant on, even if it is just an addiction to feeling pain and inflicting pain unto others?

**_A/N: I just thought I would point out to y'all that the parts written with italics, are memories. My beta got confused, so I just thought I would point that out. Thank you all! :) I hope you enjoy the story!!_ **

 

_You're leaving me?" a broken whisper swallowed by all the voices screaming in Harry's head, all the older teen could do was simply nod._

_He could feel as the arms of his friends began to drag him backwards, into the hallway and down the stairs, to the creaky floorboards in the dining room where his bag of coke rested in a ball underneath them. Growls played over and over in his head as he fought against their grasps, refusing to let into their relentless pestering._

_"I-I'm sorry," Harry said, voice raspy and low. His throat began to close off as they grew stronger, and he felt himself finally giving into their touches and persuasive words and promises until--_

_A hesitant, small hand wrapping around his forearm had all the voices disappearing, and his lungs burned as he took in a deep breath that wasn't tainted with their filth. "Please, you can't leave me here alone, H. You made a promise to me that you would stay. That you would always stay here for me, with me,"_

_Shaking his head, Harry took a step backwards. He needed to get out of here, to get away from the fucking voices inside of his head. And he knew just how to do it. But no. He couldn't do that, could he? He couldn't actually end his own life just because the voices have gotten out of-- "Harry, look at me!" A small shrill struck through his thoughts, and at the command, Harry's wide orbs locked with blue orbs that shimmered in the yellow glow of the light bulb. "You can't fucking leave me," his eyes flared with determination, and his sharp fingernails began to dig into the soft flesh on Harry's forearm._

_"I can't stay here! Can't you see how fucking miserable I am? That I can't fucking take this anymore? I don't want to be here anymore, Louis! Just fucking accept that and move on already!" chest heaving like he just ran a mile, Harry ripped his arm away from Louis' grasp and grabbed his bag off of the chair. "You're so much better than me. Now get up off of your fucking knees and stop begging for me to stay, it's pathetic," the words burning like a shot of whiskey did, Harry turned around and began to walk away, but stopped in the doorway._

_Head hanging low, Harry squoze his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. "Really shitty goodbye, isn't it? I didn't plan to leave you this way," sighing, Harry took one last deep breath of the vanilla scented air, "I left you a note underneath your pillow," with that, he hefted his black bag further up on his shoulder and stormed out of the room, then down the stairs._

_Curious gazes from Louis' family was pinned on him, but he didn't stop. He walked through their dining room and out their front door. Climbing into his car, Harry started it and without glancing back for even a second, he pulled out of the driveway and sped down the road. His trembling hands gripped the steering wheel and he could feel as the rears began to sting his eyes._

_He did it, he actually left. Even though his body ached for him to go back, or for him to do something, all he could do was hit his steering wheel and scream at the top of his lungs. Nothing made sense to him. Not the stop light he was coming up to, or the way his heart felt. All he could make sense of was that he just fucked up the best thing that happened to him._

Two small feet landing on his dashboard drug Harry out of his reverie. All his senses on alert, he snapped his gaze in the direction of the intruder, his fist ready to beat their fucking face in until he seen those beautiful blue eyes. "Hia, Haz," voice high pitched, the girl smiled widely at him then giggled when she seen his clenched fist on the steering wheel. "Calm down, gummy bear, it's only me,"

His breathing faltering when she seen her once short hair now pulled into two long pigtails, he relaxed his hand and let a small smile fall onto his scarred lips. "You've changed," he murmurs, voice thick and raspy from his throat beginning to close off when he realized all this was real. That this was all really happening, and he couldn't turn back now because someone has seen him.

"Of course I have, you donk! It's been an entire year since I've seen you!" she exclaimed, her feet falling to the floor with a quiet thud. She turned in her seat, then plopped her feet in Harry's lap and pointed at her toe nails that had butterflies on her two big toes and pink polka dots on the rest. "Mum is even letting me go to the salon by myself!"

Eyeing her toes, Harry shifted in his seat a little so her feet were now resting on his thigh, rather than his dick. "They're nice, Lots, but i've only been gone eleven months, thirteen days and nine hours," Harry said easily, the time automatically being branded into his mind. He has counted down every single second he has spent away from Louis, but he wouldn't tell her that. She didn't need to know how far his obsession with her older brother went.

"Right, and mum still thinks you aren't creepy," snorting, Lottie retracted her feet and swung her door open, "Well, are you coming in or not,"

Heart constricting at the mention of Johannah, Harry began to chew on his bottom lip, his teeth running over the scar where his lip ring used to be. She probably hates him for what he did to her son. The woman probably didn't want to see him, and he honestly didn't blame her. He left her son, after promising her that he wouldn't.

_"You have to promise me that you will take care of my boy, Harry. H-He can't ever feel alone. Promise me that," her voice pained, tears began to trail down her rosy cheeks. Harry stared at her, mouth parting slightly at the new sight of the woman he had never seen cry, the woman he thought couldn't cry. He had never seen her look so vulnerable, and even though he was sitting on the edge of his seat, pupils blown and nose burning from the coke he had just snorted not even ten minutes ago, he knew not to ask her what this was all about._

_"I promise that I will stay with him," even with his liquefied brain and electrified body, Harry knew what he was promising; he could never leave the annoying boy he loved. But the promise didn't mean much to him. He never wanted to leave Louis, no, he could never leave him. Even if the boy did wake him up at odd hours of the morning because he wanted cuddles, or just someone to talk to, Harry could never picture his life without him._

_Nodding her head, Johannah wiped the tears off of her cheeks and sniffled. "Good," reaching across the table, she grasped both of Harry's large hands between her thin, small ones, "If you ever break this promise, I will hurt you far worse than you will ever hurt my son," she said, the undefined threat lingering in the air around them._

_Harry swallowed thickly and nodded, his loose curls bobbing around his head. "I won't ever leave him, even if he wants me to. I am here to stay," before, if he would have said that to anybody else, they would have demanded he leave at the realization he was staying for a while. But Johannah didn't. She simply pulled him into a hug and held onto him for a few minutes until her tears subsided and she was back to her usual bubble self._

But Harry had broken that promise, hadn't he? Not even four months later was he packing up his bag and leaving Louis, breaking his promise to the woman he used to call mum. He has already came this far, though. He couldn't just cower back and run away from confrontation. _He was done with running._

Unbuckling his seatbelt, Harry turned his car off and forced a tight smile. "Yeah, lead the way, Lady Bug," voice strained, he shoved his car keys into his pocket, then climbed out of the car and let lottie take his large hand. Her hand was small and warm, reminding Harry of her older brothers, but he didn't get the same reaction. There was no butterflies, or electricity, there was simply a small hand holding his.

"Mum will be so happy to see you!" Lottie said, voice all too thrilled as she pulled him up the green grass with yellow spots froms places it has died. Harry refrained from saying anything. He just kept his eyes on her, picking out each small thing that has changed on her.

He had noticed earlier that her blue eyes were now rimmed with black, and that her cheeks had started to thin out as the baby fat melted away. Her legs have grown longer, as well as her hair, and her body has begun to grow curves. She wasn't his little flat board anymore. She was now a woman, and that left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.

_How much has he really missed?_

"And Louis?" Harry forced himself to ask. He swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the awful scratch to his voice. Just saying his name Harry felt his entire body begin to burn in want. It missed him. It missed the way his body felt pressed against his, and the way his small, ice cold feet would curl into his back at night to try and get them warm.

Lottie sighed almost inaudibly, and Harry noticed when her hand loosened its grip on his. "I'll let mum tell you about him," her voice has a lace of hurt in it, and of course, Harry being Harry, he automatically began to think of the worst things possible.

What if the boy had killed himself because Harry had left? _No, Harry had checked the papers for weeks after he left to make sure that hadn't happened._ Or what if he ran away, or just simply died with no explanation, after Harry had stopped checking for his obituary.

"Oh god,, is he dead?" _Please, no. He can't be dead._

An iron fist closed around his heart and began to crush it, turning it into nothing more than the dirt at Harry's feet that he wishes he could disappear in. "No, silly. I-I just don't like talking about Louis," smiling reassuringly at him over her shoulder, Lottie let go of his hand and opened the front door to her house. "Stay here for a second,"

Harry watched as she walked through the open door. He watched as her body disappeared, and it was only when he was alone, that he felt the creatures from his past start to resurface. No matter where he looked, memories began to resurface, but it wasn't until he turned around and looked past his car and at the end of the driveway, which seemed so far away, that a memory forced itself inside of his brain, pushing past all the voices and broken screams that constantly played in his head.

_"Come outside, and hurry cause 'm about to freeze my goods off," Harry hissed into the phone before he hung it up, not even giving the breathless boy on the other side of the phone a chance to respond. He tossed his phone onto the grass, then looked up at the door, waiting impatiently for it to open._

_He had been waiting out here for at least five minutes, four of those minutes having been spent on him trying to call Louis, who had apparently been a sleep even though it was only nearing ten o'clock at night. Goosebumps painted his skin, as well as a nice red tint from the cold winter breeze whipping at his naked body._

_Whose bloody idea was it for him to run from his house, all the way to Louis', in nothing but a fucking thong? A batman thong, to be correct. He was fine with the cold, he had grown used to it after having spent countless nights sleeping in the park or in the parking lot of the high school, but he hated just standing still while being nearly completely naked. It gave people the chance to stare at his imperfect body, to see the many scars of his past covering his back and arms. He knew people judged him, he would be fucking blind if he didn't, but it was different when it came to his scars._

_The scars his fucking grandfather gave to him._

_He wished he knew where the old man was, so he could make him stand completely still while he whipped his back raw with a whi-- "You look bloody ridiculous," having been trapped in his own dark thoughts, Harry hadn't noticed the boy exit the house, nor had he heard his feet crunch across the snow as he walked towards him._

_"Says who? You?" eyes moving over Louis' body, Harry snorted at his choice of clothes. He had on fluffy bunny pajamas, an oversized grey t-shirt that used to be Harry's, a pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a jean jacket that just so happens to be Harry's too. "You look like shit,"_

_"At least my junk is covered up," Louis shot back, gesturing towards the lower half of the curly haired boys body. Harry looked down and seen one of his nuts had popped out of the thong, but he made no attempt at shoving it back into the underwear that was riding up his ass in an uncomfortable way._

_"It needed to air out," grinning, Harry eyes widened when he realized what he was forgetting. "Shit, turn around for a second!" Louis' blue eyes watched him curiously for a second, but he turned around after a few seconds._

_Lunging forward, Harry picked up his phone off of the grass and quickly turned on one of his favorite songs. "_ _When I walk on by, Louis be looking like damn he fly, I pimp to the beat," Harry sang along to the beat of the song, grinning as a mortified Louis turned around and came face to face with a twerking Harry._

_Cheeks heating up, Louis covered his eyes with his hand and shrieked, "Stop! I can see yer asshole!" hand still over his eyes, Louis gagged, but then he slowly opened his fingers and peaked at Harry through the crack._

_A few seconds had passed with Harry's ass thrusting up in the air before Louis realized this wasn't going to end, so he gave into Harry's crazy ass and laughed along with him, both eyes focused on Harry's face, rather than his ass, because he honestly had never seen someone look more happy to be twerking in a thong, in the middle of winter, for free._

_When the song finished, Harry stood up, breathless, and pulled the thong out of his ass before walking up to Louis. "Happy birthday, Lou," he whispered, eyes staring into melting blue orbs. Hand reaching up to the side of Louis' face, Harry leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I also have a song and dance prepared if you want a lap dance," lips brushing against his forehead, Harry reluctantly pulled back and grinned._

_"Mum's awake, so we'll have to be quiet," slipping his bottom lip between his teeth, Louis paused for a second and glanced at Harry's outfit one last time before-- "I'll only let you in if you strip completely naked and climb in through my window," mischievousness flashed through Louis' eyes, and even though it was deep, deep down, Harry knew why he wanted to see him naked. And he didn't have a problem with it._

_But then again, he had never backed out of a dare. So, to satisfy the birthday boy, he stepped out of the thin, black material and handed it to him. Then, with his cock shrinking from the cold wind, Harry straightened his back, grinned, and said, "If I make it to your room before you, you owe me one lap dance,"_

_No more words were spoken between the two before they took off in the same direction before they split up. Harry went through the backyard, climbed up onto the roof using the back porch railing, and into the room just as Louis was reaching the top of his stairs. The younger boy claims he had won, so they both settled and Harry gave his lap dance first before Louis, through frustrated groans and giggles, gave Harry his lap dance which ended with him pinned to the floor, Harry's hard on pressed against his stomach._

Even now, Harry can hear Louis' giggles and remember how wide his eyes had went when he realized Harry was hard. He hadn't done anything to help him with his problem, of course, but he did make it even worse by wiggling the lower half of his body every few seconds.

Smiling at one of the many fond memories Harry has with the boy, he tried to ignore the feeling that he had just been punched in the gut when he remembered how high he had been then. How high he had been nearly ever single second he had spent with Louis. Cracking his neck, Harry inhaled deeply and turned around just as the front door was opening, revealing the woman he has dreaded to see, yet missed.

"Harry," her voice was stern with a cold hint to it, and Harry felt the tears begin to burn the back of his eyes.

 _When the fuck did he become so emotional?_ "Jay," trying to keep as much emotion out of his voice as he could, Harry stood up straighter, squared his shoulders and tried to keep his eyes on anything but her. But he couldn't do it. He gave in without much struggle, and he let his tears begin to fall as he looked over the woman who seemed to have age fifteen years in only eleven months.

"I'm so sorry," the apology came straight from his heart, and Jay seemed to realize how much Harry seemed to be hurting because she pulled him into a hug and let him bury his head in the crook of her neck.

Fingers running through his curls that reached his shoulders, Jay hushed the crying teen, her own heart breaking. She had only ever seen Harry cry once, but then she knew he was faking it. Now, she could feel and hear the emotion in each crack of his voice. "Do you know how long I have waited to hear you say that?"

Harry never apologized, that was something everybody knew, but he always apologized to Jay. The only woman he seems to trust in his life. "I fucked up. I ruined everything, didn't I? You hate me, Lottie hates me. Fuck, Louis," pulling back at the memory of Louis, Harry sucked up all his bloody emotions and wiped the salty trails from his cheeks. "Where is he? Is he okay. L-Lottie told me she.."

"Harry, dear, calm down," Jay said, cutting him off by pressing a finger to his glistening lips. "Louis is," she closed her eyes for a second, her eyebrows furrowing as the pain became evident on her aging face. "He's not fine, Harry. My little boy has found himself in trouble," for the next five minutes Harry listened to Jay explain everything that has happened with, and to, Louis in the past eleven months. And by the time she finished, Harry was already taking long strides down the grass.

He didn't know what had awakened him, if it was hearing that Louis has started to hang out with his old friends, or that he has started to fight, or that he has started to do drugs, but Harry's entire body was awake and on fire. His vision was rimmed with red and all he knew was that he was about to kill somebody, even though he promised himself that he wouldn't hurt another person for the rest of his life.

_But it was for Louis._

_And Louis was worth it._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to rewrite this chapter, and make it more into the one I had planned from the beginning. I'm sorry for changing it entirely, well the bottom half, but I felt that this chapter will be better for the story line I have planned.
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)

_ It’s an eternal wait; the seconds melt away until he’s bathed in anxiety with the creeping suspicion that his friends had followed him to the only other safe place he knows. He could feel them breathing down his neck, all hairs standing on alert as his body became crippled with this searing pain. His bones bent beneath their grasps, his brain turned into mush as they let out this piercing scream that circled in his head, and his insides began to melt when he swallowed the molten liquid they forced into his mouth. _

_ “What do you want from me?” A wrecked breath that glorified the monsters that surrounded him,  Harry was just about to give up the fight until his arms were set free. _

_ They were giving him the chance to fight. _

_ And he fought. His teeth were bared as he swung at nothing but the empty air that surrounded him. But it wasn’t empty. He could feel them, he could hear them, but he couldn’t fucking see them. They were taunting him, showing him he was powerless to them. But he wasn’t entirely powerless. He scrambled to his knees and crawled across the floor, his eyes pinned on the black bag in the corner. _

_ He was so close to his paradise that he could feel as it practically burned his nostrils, but they grasped his ankles and yanked him backwards. He fell to the floor with a loud thud, his head cracking against the hardwood floor that had begun to rot. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” voice dripping with venom, Harry snarled in victory when they cowered back and he was able to grab his bag and fish into the side pocket and pull out the plastic bag full of white powder. _

_ Wasting no time, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and poured enough on the screen for three lines. Using shaking fingers, he tried his best to make them straight, but the powder wasn’t fucking cooperating so he gave up and just pulled the rolled up piece of money out of his pocket. He didn’t give his followers the chance to say anything further before he lifted the phone up to eye level, placed the money in place, plugged the right side of his nose and snorted the zig-zagged lines. _

_ Fire exploded inside of his nostril and it trailed into his brain, but then it disappeared and in it’s place was nothing. He couldn’t feel anything, but more importantly, he couldn’t hear anything. Sighing, Harry leaned back against one of the walls in the abandoned shed and let the money fall from between his fingers. He watched as it rolled down the slanted floor, but just as it rolled past his foot, his phone screen lit up and caught his attention. _

_ His insides churned when he saw Louis’ face, which was his lock screen, covered in the remaining white powder. Without much thinking, Harry brought his hand back and threw his phone at the wall on the other side of the room. It made a glorifying shattering sound that pleased the monster inside of him. “I’m such a fuck up!” he shouted, head falling between his knees. He hated who he has become. What the drugs has made him become, but he couldn’t stop. That’s why he had to leave. _

_ He couldn’t have Louis turn into the same monster he has become. _

_ ~~~~~~ _

Harry has practiced the speech he was going to tell to Louis since the moment he seen the house in his rearview mirror those many months ago. He knew the words by heart, knew how he was supposed to react and how much distance needed to stay between them, but now, with the knowledge he was going to see Louis in a matter of seconds, his mind was completely blank. Not one single fucking word was to be heard in the mindless void he called his head.

When Harry rounded the corner in the still too small hallway that lead down the twelfth grade hallway, the last thing he expected was to see Louis’ familiar form standing amongst a group of people Harry used to hang out with. His heart was threatening to burst out of his chest as it continued pounding against his ribs, harder and harder. Something compelled him to walk towards him, to quicken his lanky legs and close the distance that separated them, but another something made his steps falter before he came to a complete halt and just  _ stared. _

Louis looked  _ different,  _ but not in a way Harry could wrap his mind around. The shy boy who used to bury himself in the person closest to him, now stood tall with his head held high as he talked with his friends. His sky blue eyes that were always so warm and so familiar were now cold, and rimmed with black. The chestnut fringe that used to cover his right eye was now styled into a high quiff, but the most noticeable thing Harry had noticed was his smile wasn’t  _ warm  _ or  _ genuine.  _ It was forced and tight, a look he wasn’t sure he could ever get used to.

He wished more than anything he could walk up to him and poke his left side, right above the scar he had underneath his armpit due to the sun tanning chair he cut himself on when they were young and stupid teens. But a sharp stab to the heart was a reminder that he wouldn’t get the same giggle or have his hand swatted away. Instead, he was pretty sure the teen would try and bite him.

Except, now that he had somehow gotten closer, he noticed he looked diminished somehow, like he was trying to blend in rather than stand out. His back was flat against the wall and his eyes were now cast down at the floor, making it that much more easier for Harry to sneak a few more steps forward.

_ Leave now, before it’s too late.  _ It was a small whisper in the back of his mind, one he had barely heard above the thumping in his heart.

A few more quiet steps forward.  _ Last chance. Leave before they come back. _

He knew who the voice was talking about, but he paid no attention to the warnings. He knew he should have. He has clawed his skin down to the bones to get rid of those fucking things, and when he finally did, he felt like a completely different person. He no longer craved the feeling of his nose burning after he snorted whatever he could get his hands on, or the way his body went numb when he shot up, and he knew the voice was trying to warn him that the moment he breached their circle, they would come running back to him, their sharp claws digging into his spine as they tasted the fresh, not yet tainted, blood.

But fuck it, right? His safety didn’t matter right now. He would rather they tore him apart, piece by piece, limb by fucking limb, than to bear witness to them doing the  same thing to the small boy leaning against the brick wall. He couldn’t sit back and do nothing, not when he  _ knew _ he could save Louis.

Harry felt a stab of sorrow as he looked at Louis once again. He couldn’t help but wonder why he was here, why he was hanging out with them and why he was so different, and he had to live with the fact that although he may never get the answers, he will always know, deep down, that he was the  one who caused the major change he sees in Louis.

“Never thought i’d see you pissing around here again,” a voice rang out, Harry’s eyes nearly bursting into flames when he seen Aiden Grimshaw standing so close to  _ his  _ Louis.

_ Bet he’s fucked him. Gave him what you refused to. _

The voice wasn’t friendly anymore, but neither was Harry.

Shrugging, Harry leaned against the wall and looked at Louis, who was still staring at the floor. “Came back to wrap up some unfinished business.” He said, his voice low but as casual and as non hostile as he could force it to be.

Maybe he could play nice, get on Louis’ good side.

Louis’ head snapped up then and his eyes fell on Harry, though he had known exactly whose voice it was as soon as he heard the low rasp. “Harry,” Louis said, his voice completely neutral, but for a second, even if it had just been for a second, Harry had seen that flash of happiness that crossed over his face. Hope flared in Harry’s chest, but it was demolished when the look was replaced with one of pure hate. “Why the fuck are you here?”

Harry watched him carefully, hating that his voice sounded both the same and different… emptier and full of disgust. “Didn’t we just go through this? I came for to wrap up some unfinished business,” Harry said, rolling his eyes, and instantly falling back into his old, and somehow forgotten, habits. “Why are you with these fuckers?” he asked, trying to make conversation though he knew, judged by the hostility he suddenly felt towards himself, that he had absolutely no right to even look at Louis, let alone speak to him.

Louis’ tongue poked the inside of his cheek as he pushed himself off the wall, eyes never straying from Harry because he feared that if he glanced away for even a second, he would disappear, “They’re my friends,” he answered after a moment, unsure why he was even telling Harry anything. The ache in his chest, which began to moment he heard that familiar voice, was now throbbing, leaving him breathless. “How that’s any of your business, I don’t know,”

Harry’s eyebrows shot up and he broke their eye contact, partly to look at the people who were standing awkwardly beside Louis, but mostly because of how intense it had been. He feared that if it went on any longer, he would wind up wrapping an unwilling Louis in his arms. “They don’t know the first thing about friends. Blow, sure, but friendship?” breaking of to let out a cruel laugh, Harry ran a nervous hand through his hair. “They’ll drop you the moment you say no to snorting so much coke, you can’t even remember who you are or where you are.” Harry spat in distaste, speaking nothing but the truth.

For a split second, Harry was afraid what would happen if he asked Louis what kind of drugs they had gotten him into, but when he looked at him again and seen his pupils weren’t blown and his eyes weren’t bloodshot, the fear seemed to melt away.

“Fuck off, Harry. You were the ones who left us, not the…” Josh, one of his old druggie pals began, only to trail off when he seen Harry look at him the way he used to look at everyone; like they were a punching bag he couldn’t wait to get his hands on. It was a look laced with the intention of murder.

“Leave us, now.” Harry barked, watching as a few of them hesitated, but their fear ultimately won and they slowly inched backwards, then disappeared down an empty hallway. “What the fuck has  _ happened  _ to you?”

Louis closed his eyes for a second, trying to gather his thoughts and calm down his rapidly beating heart. “Like you don’t know,” he said softly, his face twisting and forming into nothing. He stared at him stone-faced, his eyes having no emotion in them at all.

Harry wanted to ask why he got all the blame for making Louis this way, but he knew it would get him nowhere. Instead, he decided he would grasp the opportunity he had, and say what he has wanted to say to Louis, since he seen him. He was certain that he had no chance in getting Louis to listen, or at least believe the words he was speaking, but he would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least  _ try. _ “You probably won’t give a fuck about what i’m about to say, and even if you do, I don’t expect you to forgive me or for our relationship to be mended, but I need to say this,” Harry began, taking a deep breath before he looked away from Louis and instead locked his eyes on a black mark on the floor.

“The way I left you was unforgivable. I have regretted walking out of that house, knowing I was leaving you behind while crying, but I can’t take back anything I have said or done in the past, and I certainly can’t rewind time. But believe me when I say this, Louis, I would if I could. There hasn’t been one day where I haven’t thought about you, or how you were doing, or where you were. I sometimes wondered if you ever thought about me, or if you still cared, and it took me a long time to realize that me leaving was only benefiting me, not you or anyone else,” he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He had to bring everything to light, all his feelings, thoughts, and possibly even things that has happened to him this past year. He needed to be the vulnerable one right now.

He went to open his mouth to speak, to let the words flow freely, but a hand was being raised and he was being shut up with a simple gesture. “Not here, Harry,” Louis said, hand still upraised. “And not anywhere else. I don’t want to hear how much you regretted it, or hear your sob story about how much it hurt you because I don’t care.” He lowered his hand and let him see his face, all pale and emotionless. “You hurt me,” he said in a quiet, controlled voice, going for the only thing he knew would really dig into Harry. “You promised me time and time again that you never would, but you did.”

“And you don’t think I hate myself for that?” Harry nearly shouted, his tone of voice strong and completely serious. “You won’t give me the chance to explain why I left, or let me tell you how sorry I am. I know that it will never be enough, and that you will always resent me and hate me for the fact that I left you, but at least let me try. Let me make it up to you.”

A cold, nerve-wracking laugh was what he got in response. “Make it up to me?” Louis asked incredulously, finally showing the tiniest bit of emotion. “How the fuck are you going to make up this past year to me? How are you going to make me forget how fucking lonely I was that first month, or how lost I felt every day after. I  _ thought  _ that I had done something wrong, and it wasn’t until I started to forget about you that I realized you were the one who fucked up, not me. You  _ ruined  _ me, Harry, and a few insincere words and gestures aren’t going to make up shit.”

A crack appeared in Harry’s heart with every word, and by the time Louis finished, he was left with a vacant chest once again. He was numb, and he didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing to be feeling right now. Regardless, he wasn’t about to give up and run away again. He was here to stay, and he hoped he could prove that to Louis.

“And do you think that by hanging out with those low life fucks, your life will somehow amount to anything?”  _ Calm down, Harry, you’re giving into them.  _ “Do you think they care about you, or your well being? Do you think that they fucking care that you want ten kids and a great big house!” Harry was shouting now, not caring the slightest that there were classes in session. When Louis just stared at him with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open, Harry took that as his answer. “No? Well guess what? I haven’t forgot! I haven’t forgot the six little girl names, or what they look like, and I definitely haven’t forgotten about the four little boys.

Do you think they would remember every fucking detail of your dream house, or care enough to listen to your late night rambles about how I better get you at least three dogs and eight cats before you’ll even consider letting me marry you? Do you think any of them would stay up with you at night and listen to your dreams? Do they know that you want to be a vet?” Harry broke off, not because he didn’t have anything else to say, but because he couldn’t say anything else.

He was going to pace himself, to at least give himself a chance at having a normal life here but right fucking now, that wasn’t a possibility with his heart strangling him. It was too much at once, and the only thing he knew he was good at doing, that helped him when he was desperate to get rid of all this pent up energy, was when he punched something. With a low growl, Harry turned and swung at the wall, putting all of his weight and emotion behind the single punch. His knuckles cracked against the brick wall, hard. Pain, white and fiery, shot up his arm and blazed deeply in his knuckles. He didn’t have to look down to see the red blood dripping down his busted knuckles, or look at Louis and see how shocked and terrified he looked, because this was Harry. He was a monster and he was used to it.

“But fuck me. We’ve already determined i’m a fuck up, and I’m not about to apologize for apologizing to you. But please, Louis, for the love of god, stop hanging out with them. They’re no good for you.” Resting his forehead against the rough brick, Harry placed his clenched fist back against the same place he had hit. “You don’t want to see me, or hear my apologies or what I went through, then I’ll leave you alone. I won’t approach you, but you better keep in mind that I will  _ always  _ be watching  _ you.” _

Leaving him with that oddly stalkery statement, Harry turned around and went back the way he had came. His head was swimming, his heart was aching, and his body was tired. He wasn’t ready for this, and he was afraid what he was going to do when he was alone. He no longer had a reason to be strong. Louis didn’t want him anymore, so there was nothing left.

Nothing Harry was willing to fight for right now, anyway.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
